By DR. BENNY GRAVES
As you enter the town tavern, the full moon shines like a dead eye. Your joints ache from a day of work. Sliding onto a well-worn bar stool, the gregarious barkeep looks at you with a knowing glance. “One of those days eh? I know something that will cure what ails you!” You need that – an escape from the drudgery of the day, from the strange happenings and disappearances in town. This madness began when a new owner bought the dilapidated castle on the hill, a ruin with a cursed history…
Before your thoughts can spiral, a glass is placed before you, a potion that will dull your exhausted mind. “Made it special!” says the barkeep. And “special” it is – so special that you’ve had four before leaving the tavern. Swaying slightly, you walk the cracked back road cobblestones to your home. Then before your eyes, a feminine figure appears, moving so fluidly she seems to drift like fog off a silent lake. She is clad in a dress delicate as gossamer. Her pallor, porcelain perfection. Long fingers beckon you, and before you can process it, her hands are running through your hair, and her crimson lips are on your neck. “What an end!” you think before two razor-sharp fangs puncture your jugular, sending you into glorious oblivion…
Who wouldn’t want that? A nice buzz followed by vampire-babe seduction. Sure, you’ll likely become a brainless ghoul, inevitably decapitated by some hunk with a butt chin, but you take the good with the bad! It’s with that sane ideology that RUE MORGUE presents LET’S GET HAMMERED! Founded in the 1930s, Hammer Films is a legendary institution that became most famous for its contributions to the gothic horror genre. Hammer also single-handedly elevated some of classic horror’s greatest actors, including legends Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee.
Hammer horror is refined comfort food for me, and there is nothing quite like an after-dinner drink, a during-dinner drink, a before-dinner shot – or two… With that in mind, the goal of this column is to share some of my all-time favorite Hammer films and what kind of thematically appropriate cocktail I would pair them with. However, I have far from a refined palate when it comes to drink choices (I can’t imagine Peter Cushing would approve of my teenage self chugging Sailor Jerry rum with a recklessness bordering on self-destruction). So, I had to bring in an expert. One of my girlfriend’s best friends, Kitty Bernardo is head bartender at New York Tiki bar juggernaut Paradise Lost. The art of tiki beverages is insanely complex, with a rich history. If done right, a good tiki drink is a symphony of flavors – and one that usually conceals a pretty high proof. It is Kitty whom I called upon through a black magic ritual (I messaged her on Instagram) to ask for her expertise. It’s her complex knowledge of the diabolical cocktail arts that will provide each review with a beverage fit for an immortal count. Now, I know I’m starting strong, and this isn’t actually a Hammer film (it was a co-production of Spain’s Granada Film and England’s Benmar Productions), but I couldn’t deny myself a personal favorite, All aboard…
Bar Crawl Stop 1: Horror Express (1972)
Starring Peter Cushing, Christopher Lee, Telly Savalas
Directed by Eugenio Martín
Produced by Bernard Gordon
Released on Blu-Ray by Arrow Video
My initial encounter with HORROR EXPRESS was during my first visit to California. We had stopped to get drinks at a bar that you had to enter by first waiting in a separate area with its own bar (insert groan-inducing “California, am I right?” joke). While we waited, I looked up at the TV screen the bar had set up and saw a scene from a movie that has since been burned into my brain. In it, I saw a man with a fantastic mustache and red demonic eyes seize another man in his grasp. Our aggressor then gazed into his victim’s eyes, causing the man to bleed from his mouth and eyeballs which turned milky white. There was no sound, and I had no clue what the movie was, but I knew that I needed to find out more about this celluloid nightmare. I would come to discover that the movie was a Euro-horror film titled HORROR EXPRESS and that it featured an ensemble cast, including absolute icons Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee. What I didn’t find out until I watched it is how damn brilliant this film is.
This flick plays out like a melding of Murder On The Orient Express and The Thing, with lashings of Lovecraftian lore. In fact, it is a (very) loose adaptation of Who Goes There by John W. Campbell, which became the basis for both The Thing From Another World and its mind-blowing John Carpenter remake. While there are many moving parts, the general plot is this: Professor Alexander Saxton (Lee) is aboard the Trans-Siberian Express with some very precious cargo, specifically, a frozen primitive human. Also onboard is Saxton’s rival, the equally intelligent but morally ambiguous Dr. Wells (Cushing). Eager to see what Saxton has discovered, Lee unwittingly unleashes the thawed-out humanoid creature. Worse still, we find out that the beast is a host for an organism from beyond the stars capable of transferring its consciousness to its victims and absorbing their knowledge. What follows is pure chaos as the alien entity attempts to escape while assimilating the passengers, which include a Rasputin-esque monk and, eventually, a battalion of soldiers led by a scene-stealing Telly Savalas (For more Kojak Euro-horror adventures, check out Mario Bava’s Lisa and The Devil) playing a Cossack captain.
I cannot praise this movie enough. First, you get Cushing and Lee, who always elevate proceedings, and in this case, we get them teaming up instead of Cushing trying to slam a stake into Lee’s chest. Then, you have the creature itself, its grisly method of possession and the iconic imagery of its glowing red eyes. Finally, you have all the complications of a train setting. While our scientists unravel the mystery of what happened to the specimen and how it connects to the grisly acts occurring, we also get the ticking-clock element of what will happen if the alien creature reaches its highly populated destination. The origin of the alien and its motives are ahead of their time in terms of complexity and make for a movie more clever than a simple creature feature. Moreover, we get to see the interplay of the many different passengers on the train, including the Polish Countess Irina (absolute knockout Silvia Tortosa) and her mad monk advisor, Father Pujardov. HORROR EXPRESS culminates in a (literally) explosive ending by which point you will be fully sold on this gem. If not, then you have bad taste, I guess.
Speaking of taste…
For this flick, I needed something truly special, a refined drink perfect for a long journey on a train through a frozen countryside. Something that says, “I do not expect to have my knowledge sapped from my brain as I bleed out of every orifice.” Kitty more than delivered. For your next Trans-Siberian excursion in which you try to smuggle a primitive humanoid that is in itself smuggling a Lovecraftian horror, she recommends:
CHARGING STATION (originally conceived by bartending legend Sam Ross)
2 ounces of vodka
¾ ounces of cold-brew coffee
¾ ounces of coconut syrup
2 dashes of habanero bitters
A dash of cream
Add all ingredients to a shaker, dry shake and pour into mug or glass two-thirds full of crushed ice. Add straw and top with more crushed ice. Garnish with coffee beans.
On this cocktail she adds, “Odder is the fact that it was made by famed New York bartender and owner of one of the best bars in the world, Sam Ross of Attaboy. Attaboy, known for being a tiny, intimate ten-seat bar with only three tables for guests, Ross actually made this cocktail while he was at the Electra Cocktail Club in Las Vegas, perhaps a bar setting that is the most antithetical to … Attaboy and what Ross is most known for.”
Kitty Bernardo is the head bartender at Paradise Lost and a master of spirits (Both liquid and otherworldly). She is responsible for gifting me a copy of Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows on VHS, which I suppose I can forgive her for.
Paradise Lost needs no introduction when it comes to the evolving sub-culture of the Tiki Bar. Rapidly becoming an East Village institution, the bar is named for Milton’s epic poem concerning Satan and the fall of man. Let me assure you that Paradise Lost does not shy away from its diabolical origins. With tiki drinks like Chaos Magick and Archfiend and plenty of cocktails involving fire, the cenobites of bar alchemy at this institution demand respect. The bar and its staff are also extremely aware of the problematic history of tiki when it comes to cultural appropriation and has made it a point to cater the experience to acknowledging the rightful background of tiki bar origins. They already had me at a Satanically infused tiki bar, but I think Milton said it best: “Better to reign in hell than to serve in heaven.”
