By LINDY RYAN
If you find yourself drowning in the suffocating embrace of loneliness this Valentine’s Day, fret not. Your queens of darkness, The Boulet Brothers, who just wrapped the fifth fearsome and fabulous season of Shudder’s The Boulet Brothers’ Dragula, have the remedy to rescue you from the saccharine abyss that is this dreadfully distasteful day.
Expect no romantic dalliances here; The Boulet Brothers are diving headfirst into the macabre realms of blood, murder, and possession (and a sprinkle of hauntings) because why settle for roses and chocolates when you can have terror and suspense? So, avert your gaze from the nauseating public displays of affection from the unworthy masses, and feast your eyes upon our curated list of horror films that promise to ignite the cold flames within your heart and leave you feeling disturbingly warm inside.
Now, it’s time to dim the lights, snuggle up with a corpse or two and brace yourself for The Boulet Brothers’ Valentine’s Day Massacre movie marathon, with blood-splattered selections from Swanthula and Dracmorda.
LAIR OF THE WHITE WORM (1988)
Swanthula: In 1988, Ken Russell gifted us with Lady Sylvia, inadvertently creating a sex symbol and horror icon, a serpentine seductress who isn’t afraid of committing a little murder to get what she wants. She spews poison, has lived for centuries and effortlessly beguiles every man foolish enough to cross her path (often with fatal consequences). Introducing us to this true paragon of perversion (and let’s not forget the Roman Jesus orgy scene) secures this film a well-deserved spot on our Valentine’s Day “must-watch” list.
THE LOVE WITCH (2016)
Dracmorda: This enchanting film redefines style and exudes a glamour seldom achieved by other entries in the genre. Anna Biller, the mastermind behind the movie, not only wrote, directed, and produced it but also edited and scored the entire masterpiece. A tale of love magic’s pitfalls with hefty doses of filth, horror, and glamour – the perfect concoction for Valentine’s Day viewing.
MIDSOMMAR (2019)
Dracmorda: This film isn’t your average love story; It’s a guidebook on love, betrayal and infidelity. While some opt for therapy after being cheated on, Midsommar suggests a healthier alternative: Join a cult, ascend to commune royalty, embark on a murderous spree and set your deceitful partner ablaze. A Valentine’s Day choice with a positively heartwarming ending!
LET THE RIGHT ONE IN (2008)
Swanthula: Nothing quickens the pulse quite like a vampire entangled in love. This Swedish gem serves style, blood, murder and vengeance in a sumptuously sad and superb package.
BRIDE OF CHUCKY (1998)
Swanthula: As Tiffany Valentine once mused, “My mother always said love was supposed to set you free. But that’s not true, Chucky. I’ve been a prisoner of my love for you for a very long time. Now it’s payback time.” If your lover isn’t ready to ditch their fleshy human form for a plastic prison doll, are they even really in love with you? Chucky and Tiffany redefine devotion in this film, ready to sacrifice anything (and anyone) getting in the way of their relationship. This movie catapults Child’s Play into a wild, campy and delightfully fun direction, earning its well-deserved spot at the pinnacle of our list.
