By YASMINA KETITA
Starring Brinke Stevens, Eddie Deezen and Michael Berryman
Directed by Grant Austin Waldman
Written by Fred Olen Ray, Brinke Stevens and Ted Newsom
Action International Pictures
It sometimes takes me a while to get around to watching all the VHS tapes I buy. (There are just too many.) When it came to TEENAGE EXORCIST, it took me over a year. I’d heard of the film because not only does legendary Scream Queen Brinke Stevens star, but she also co-wrote it. Plus, how could you forget that iconic VHS box art featuring Michael Berryman’s striking face. Alas, I had a notion of the type of movie I was getting into before popping the tape in my VCR. It was co-written by producer-director-screenwriter Fred Olen Ray, who is no stranger to B-movie die-hards. Another detail that put TEENAGE EXORCIST on my radar was that it was distributed by one of my favourite production companies, Action International Pictures, co-founded by David A. Prior, director of some of the most entertaining low-budget action movies of the ‘80s and ‘90s. That an action label distributed a horror film intrigued me, so I decided to finally watch it, and boy, was I pleasantly surprised by its campy and innovative approach to parodying William Friedkin’s classic The Exorcist – so much so that I enjoyed it more than 1990’s Repossessed, starring Regan herself, Linda Blair, and Naked Gun stalwart Leslie Nielsen.
TEENAGE EXORCIST opens with a cleaning lady arriving at a large house for her daily duties. Finding a trail of blood on the stairs, she follows it to a naked, dead body. Her screams are punctuated by that low-budget ‘80s and ‘90s horror movie trope of a rock song during the opening credits. Michael Berryman portrays the landlord who’s trying to sell the house, presumably for cheap because, well, dead bodies tend to sink property values. We are then introduced to our leading lady, Diane (Stevens), who moves in after responding to a rental ad in the newspaper. Diane is finishing her degree, so she needs a place close to her college campus. The location is right – and so’s the price. Not even a sexy black dress turning into a python is enough to scare this broke student into moving out. Jeff (Tom Shell) is Diane’s very persistent boyfriend. Even though Diane refuses his advances, he never lets up. Diane’s sister, Sally (Elena Sahagun), and her husband, Mike (John Henry Richardson), round out the ensemble. The first spooky occurrence happens in the kitchen while Diane makes a salad. She takes a milk carton out of the fridge, and it begins to contract. And (gasp) the salad dressing has turned to blood! As always, more scary shit happens when night falls.
Howling wind, flickering lights, and an ominous voice on the phone manifest an Ouija board. Diane uses it to contact the house’s original proprietor, Baron DeSade (Hoke Howell), who dabbled in murder, grave robbing and necromancy. Diane dreams of DeSade, then (naturally) the possession begins. Sally and Mike check in on Diane and find her tarted up in a sexy black dress (the one that turned into a snake earlier), complete with teased hair and sultry red lipstick. Diane tries to disembowel Sally with a chainsaw (of course), so Mike ties her to the bed. Soon, Jeff arrives, and the trio calls Father McFerrin (Robert Quarry) to perform an exorcism. Later, Diane, clad in a black vinyl bondage outfit (of course), conspires with DeSade to assist in his Satanic ritual. Jeff, Mike, Sally, Father McFerrin and Eddie (Eddie Deezen), a pizza delivery guy, embark on their quest to save Diane from demonic enslavement. Meanwhile, DeSade, with the help of zombies (of course), attempts to fulfill the ritual’s requirement: (you guessed it) a virgin sacrifice.
There are countless qualities that make B-movies entertaining, including bad acting and ludicrous ideas; TEENAGE EXORCIST has them all. Yet, one aspect that makes this low-budget movie entertaining is its use of slapstick comedy, specifically with the zombies. Father McFerrin and Diane’s camaraderie with the zombies is silly and adorable. (I’m also pretty sure Robert Quarry forgot his lines in one scene – always hilarious!) And who doesn’t love Deezen’s portrayal of the quintessential nerd? I’ve always had a fondness for nerds (maybe because I am one), and Deezen’s delivery is consistently enthusiastic. However, the highlight (and my favourite part) of the film is DeSade’s demonic appearance. It’s a ghoulish display of B-movie monster style. His horns, slimy face, unkempt white hair and monstrous hands are a dreadful delight. One thing’s for sure, TEENAGE EXORCIST is self-aware of its campiness. The satire is even kicked up a notch when Mike says, “She reminds me a lot of Regan in The Exorcist.”
If you’re perusing Tubi for something weird to watch and pick TEENAGE EXORCIST because you’re a Michael Berryman fan, be aware that his screen time is limited, but if you’re a fan of Fred Olen Ray movies, it’s certainly worth the watch. It’s a lot like Evil Toons, which makes sense because both were filmed in the same house and contain comedic sound effects. I personally enjoyed TEENAGE EXORCIST more because of the laughable zombies and gnarly demonic DeSade. Plus, setting a Bible on fire and seeing a severed head with it’s eyes gouged out on a pizza are way better than a horny toon. If you really love Brinke Stevens, definitely buy the tape – if for no other reason than to see her dressed as a dominatrix for most of the film. I highly recommend ordering pizza for this watch because exorcising demons can make you ravenous, but beware: I can’t promise a demonic hand won’t come out of your pie and grab you.
