By YASMINA KETITA
On a dark and stormy night, the sounds of a Halloween sound effects tape boom from your TV. On the screen, a Satanic goat appears, shocking the audience with a fiery levitation. A trick gone wrong causing the death of a magician’s wife is part of the backstory and opening scene of Cthulhu Mansion. Directed and written by Juan Piquer Simón, who also directed Slugs and Pieces, Cthulhu Mansion is an early ‘90s gem that is sure to haunt your next slumber party.
We are then introduced to our main cocaine-hyped duo, Hawk (Brad Fisher) and Billy (Paul Birchard), who are at a carnival with their girlfriends, Eva (Melanie Shatner) and Candy (Kaethe Cherney). While the magician Chandu (Frank Finlay) is doing a show, with his daughter, Lisa (Marcia Layton), taking over as assistant, Chris, Eva’s brother, is caught breaking into a car by security and shot in the leg but gets away with help from the leather jacket-clad quartet. However, now that the carnival is on lockdown and security is searching everyone who leaves, the group holds Chandu, Lisa and their mute driver, Felix, as a means to escape undetected. Needing a place to hide out and tend to Chris’ wound, at gunpoint, they force Chandu to bring them back to his spooky mansion – a Cthulhu mansion!
Chandu offers to heal Chris’ wound if they promise to leave. All of a sudden, the lights go out. Billy accompanies Lisa to the basement’s fuse box, when a spooky iron door opens, frightening Lisa, who swiftly slams it shut. But it’s too late! Whatever’s behind that door has been unleashed, and the haunting begins. Hawk and Billy want to rob Chandu and force him to unlock his wall safe, but they’re not impressed with the Cthulhu Book, which sports heavy Necronomicon vibes.
Lisa is locked in a room with a dying Chris, while Eva researches Chandu’s history through his books and possessions. Meanwhile, Candy and Billy go to Pound Town, and Hawk carefully guards the cocaine. Chandu, who’s tied to a chair, witnesses terrifying, ghostly events.
Billy’s my favourite character in Cthulhu Mansion. This man must’ve either been high on cocaine during filming or has prior experience with the drug because he’s on edge the entire time, and it’s quite hilarious. Every time his bulging eyes grace the screen, I just can’t help but laugh out loud. He’s so intense, and I love it! There’s a bonus glimpse of crotch fur in a bloody shower scene, too!
Cthulhu Mansion proceeds to entertain viewers with the gruesome deaths of its characters as escape from the ghostly dwelling eludes them. It has a Full Moon Features feel to it and even had me confirming the production company when I saw Eva was played by Melanie Shatner from the Subspecies film series. Yes, William Shatner is her dad. I’m a huge fan of monster hands and sleazy one-liners like, “Show me the snow or I blow” and “You little coke whore,” and if there’s one lesson learned from Cthulhu Mansion, it’s that ghosts don’t like cocaine. The rest of the film contains classic haunted house tropes such as demon eyes, pus-filled bulbous faces, flying knives, severed heads, Satanic rituals, ghosts draped with flowing translucent sheets, dancing to loud music and animate vines.
Vinegar Syndrome released Cthulhu Mansion on Blu-ray a couple of years ago, and it includes a Spanish feature-length documentary tribute on the life and work of director Juan Piquer Simón. If you find a copy on VHS, even better! But don’t forget, be kind and rewind or else Billy’s coke addiction will all be for nothing.
