By JUSTIN MCDEVITT

No one gets out of Catholic school unscathed. I get it. When I pop in a movie that involves any sort of religion-related humiliation, I think back to this weird thing my Catholic high school did back in Boston: the bizarre abasement in which the non-Catholic students would have to stand in the communion line and upon reaching the Father, would be instructed to cross their arms across their chest in an X to receive a “blessing” (for what? To stave off damnation another day??) in front of everyone in the gymnasium-doubling-as-a-chapel, observed by furtive judgy teen eyes. After watching a movie about a lovely antichrist who is bullied and ridiculed by his peers, I thought of the students forced to make the X, singled out for being different, and condescended to with a blessing from above.

This week I’m breaking down 1981’s FEAR NO EVIL, a low budget *almost* cult classic that gets major points for its earnestness and effort. What happens if the antichrist is an adorable straight A student who just wants to find love? Find out in FEAR NO EVIL! Starring Stefan Arngrim (The Final Cut), Elizabeth Hoffman (Silent Night, Deadly Night 3), and Kathleen Rowe McAllen (As The World Turns, All My Children). Written and Directed by Frank LaLoggia (Lady in White).

The premise is simple: God’s warriors must defeat Lucifer before the Second Coming. This “second coming” apparently happens every few years, because the film opens with Father Damon (John Holland) defeating one of these pesky devils. It turns out God’s archangels Mikhail, Gabrielle (a lady version of Gabriel? Cool cool cool), and Rafael assume human form to carry out important God work. Rafael enters the spirit of Father Damon to do murders to this Lucifer character, which is all well and good, but since Father Damon is a human person, he goes to jail for his crimes rather than being rewarded. Thanks a lot God. “I will be reborn!” proclaims Lucifer, mere seconds before a glittery pole spikes him to death (not a metaphor).

Cut to the present day; isn’t Andrew a cute little baby? It’s his Christening. As the Father holds the blessed child over the birdbath of holy water, Andrew starts gushing blood, stigmata style. A very odd voiceover montage follows where we watch Andrew’s house age over eighteen years while his mom and dad explain their suspicions about their son. It’s a cool and spooky sequence which evokes Norman speaking to Mrs. Bates in Psycho while we, the viewers, don’t get to see what goes on inside.

Eighteen years later, Andrew (Stefan Arngrim) is a blushing twink, an honor student who is shy and gentle. We stan Andrew. He gives off light Carrie White vibes, and maybe it’s my desperate thirst speaking, but Andrew seems way more sexual in his…aura. Yeah… his…aura, it pulsates. It turns out our little antichrist does well in English class. I feel so seen right now; more visibility for Satany lit majors!

At school, Andrew does a lot of standing and staring in a very Michael-esque way. We know nothing about Michael Meyers. Maybe he likes to read too. Maybe all our great literary minds are actually legendary horror baddies. What begins as a movie we think might follow in the footsteps of The Omen, turns into a high school piece a la Grease. We even get a Pink Ladies inspired lady clique, except they wear yellow and abuse each other with lockers. Ouch. It shouldn’t surprise you that our Class bad boy Tony (Daniel Eden) is doing John Travolta drag.

While the boys shower together after gym class, Tony rallies his minions to bully Andrew for presenting homo. Tony decides the best way to haze the antichrist is by pretending to kiss him. “Andrew sure is sexy,” proclaims Tony to the other men. I love when hazing is really just an excuse to flirt, don’t you? Andrew uses his devil powers to make Tony actually kiss him for an extended period of very awkward time so that the other boys in gym class think Tony actually wanted to kiss Andrew. Love it. Print it. See you in the next scene. As far as devils go, Andrew is polite and minds his business. We could all afford to learn a little something from this well mannered Lucifer.

It’s the night of the school dance and the Jesus play (a play about Jesus on the NIGHT of the DANCE, really queen??) and the eve of the second coming so everyone is really busy. Andrew goes to the abandoned castle from the film’s opening which is set to be torn down tomorrow. He goes from lovable nerd to kinky devil boy in a transformation that can only be described as: Wadsworth goes Frank-N-Furter. After the dance, Tony and the gang head on over to the abandoned castle for some spooky canoodles. Andrew picks off his victims one at a time, and Tony’s demise is particularly ludicrous and fun: he gives Tony breasts and then makes Tony stab himself in the tits until he breathes no more.

Andrew summons Beezlebub and Leviathan which is basically what my friends have to do to get me out of bed if I’ve had Jaeger. The undead rise up from underneath the castle and do lovely murders. I am completely on their side. Side note: When Andrew reanimates the dead he does so by chanting “Rise! Rise! Rise!” and I’m so glad he did because I never knew what the song “The Ladies Who Lunch” was really all about. Now I do. I only wish more of the movie lived in this second coming climax. I love a second coming, don’t you? Sorry dad. Julie (McAllen) empowered by the angel Gabriel, defeats Andrew using that glowy cross stick from the film’s opening (which must be the magical object Lady Gaga sings about in “LoveGame”), and we’re all sad to see evil defeated.

Final Thoughts: Frank LaLoggia really cared about making this movie, and you can tell. It has a lot of heart even if it doesn’t always execute, and he secured most of the funding for the film himself. FEAR NO EVIL has so many great elements: the nerd is the antichrist, teens banging in a creepy castle while the undead stalk them, and death-by-dodgeball (sports are dangerous!!!). I don’t mind that the movie isn’t objectively good, but it also isn’t quite ridiculous enough for me to love how bad it is. It either needed to commit to being an austere horror drama or go fully batshit (Batshit! Batshit!). Nevertheless, I’m excited to return to this movie in a few years. FEAR NO EVIL gives us the queer antichrist we didn’t know we needed, and this demon twink is forever here for it.

Thoughts? Lamentations? Withering critiques? Gentleman Caller applications? Comment below or reach out to me directly on Twitter and Instagram.