By DR. BENNY GRAVES
Starring Sarah Buxton, John Saxon and Michael Parks
Written by Vittorio Rambaldi and Harry Kirkpatrick
Directed by Harry Kirkpatrick and Umberto Lenzi (uncredited)
Released on Blu-ray by Kino Lorber
At the Kappa Iota Lambda Lambda frat, the sun is high and the brews are sweating. Word comes down that a gaggle of goth babes lying on Type O Negative graphic beach towels has been spotted at the local swimming hole. (Lounging in the shade, obviously. No SPF can protect that moon-kissed porcelain skin.) I sound the alarm, and the boys assemble for a beach day with all the essential supplies: a beer bong shaped like a skull and spinal cord, oversized sunglasses, and of course, band tees cut into muscle shirts. Before we can leave, Poindexter points out that we almost forgot our rubberized butt pads. After all, you don’t want to take a ride on a motorcycle only to realize it has been wired as an electric chair built for vengeance against vice-hungry youths! At this point, you either know exactly where this is going…
NIGHTMARE BEACH (aka Welcome to Spring Break) begins as Diablo, the leader of the Demons motorcycle gang (Yes, Lamberto Bava fans, the logo on their leather jackets should look familiar) is about to be executed for murder. The victim’s sister, Gail (Sarah Buxton, looking like Carmen Electra’s cousin), watches Diablo’s final moments as the convicted killer proclaims his innocence – and promises to return. One year later, Gail is working at a local beach bar during spring break. She’s hardened by the loss of her sibling and burned out from dealing with drunken morons. Meanwhile, two college football players, Skip (Nicholas de Toth) and Ronny (Rawley Valverde, playing king of the drunken morons, who is perpetually horny and dressed like a Great Value A.C. Slater), arrive in town eager to rage and forget a recent game loss.
These characters’ worlds collide as a mysterious motorcycle rider with an electrocution-centric murder MO begins to pick off spring breakers. Things become more complicated when local officials begin the Jaws-esque cover-up of the crimes to save the socio-economic status of the town. They include the mayor, sadistic police chief Strycher (John Saxon, always a delight) and corrupt local physician Doc Willet (Michael Parks!!!). The only community leader dissenting to all this partying is Reverend Bates (Lance LeGault), who’s appalled by the debauchery he views as an excuse for sin. (As if his last name wasn’t enough of a hint.) As bodies pile up, the question arises, “Has Diablo made good on his last proclamation, returning to seek revenge on the town that condemned him to death?” No. It’s very clearly Reverend Bates, as anyone who has seen an episode of Scooby Doo could guess. However, it is the journey – not the destination — that makes NIGHTMARE BEACH such a damn good time!
This movie is a beer bong of pure unrefined 1980s and moves at the pace of a Countach driven by a coked-up yuppie. The setting is a bacchanal of spring break insanity, full of bikini contests, packed seaside bars and that unnaturally green turf material they put around pools. Glam metal (obviously) saturates the soundtrack, and the whole atmosphere reeks of hair spray and tastes like an ill-advised wine cooler. As Skip and Gail fall in love, Ronny is busy getting sloppy and has christened himself and his buddy “The Beaver Patrol” (a worthy boner comedy title on its own). If that isn’t enough, we have a marauding biker gang and a killer on the loose who is flash-frying horny teens in some very elaborate kill scenes. All these elements come together to make such a smooth daiquiri of ’80s horror madness, you’ll find yourself coming back for another taste. So grab the SPF 666, crank the Dokken and crack open a cold one… I’ll meet you at NIGHTMARE BEACH.
Death to false horror,
Dr. Benny Graves
