By DR. BENNY GRAVES
Starring Jon Michael Bischof, Gabriela Hassel and Helena Rojo
Written and directed by Rubén Galindo Jr.
Released on Blu-Ray by Vinegar Syndrome
“¡Tenemos Pesadilla en Elm Street en casa! If my Spanish is correct, that translates to “We have Nightmare on Elm Street at home!” (See, I’m young and hip. Now, go adjust the antennae. Kojak is on.) Based on the standard synopsis of the movie, you’d initially be tempted to call 1987’s DON’T PANIC (aka Dimensiones Ocultas) a standard knock-off of the Freddy flicks – but you’d be wrong. Dead. Wrong. You see, the man behind 1989’s Grave Robbers, Rubén Galindo Jr., is also responsible for this film, so what would normally be a rote tale of a wisecracking demon becomes celluloid you’ll need a lobster bib for. This schlock feast is going to be messy.
Michael (John Michael Bischof) is a normal teenager. He has hair like uncooked Ramen, bribes the school security guard with porno mags and favors wearing age-inappropriate dinosaur jammies in public. Michael’s newest hobby is messing with an Ouija board in the company of his grating pal, Tony (Juan Ignacio Aranda). Through this seemingly harmless dabbling, they interact with an entity named Virgil. (Surely, nothing could go terribly wrong!) On Michael’s 17th birthday, Tony insists on using the spirit board, and this time, something goes terribly wrong! The malevolent Virgil possesses Tony and goes on a killing spree, slaughtering classmates and friends. Somehow, the black magic unleashed also creates a psychic link between Michael and Virgil, allowing Michael to see the murders committed by the demon inhabiting his friend. He’ll have to act quickly before Virgil uses Tony as a tool to turn all his loved ones into Hamburger Helper.
Based on its overall vibe (Elm Street elements, original audio in English that was later dubbed in Spanish), I suspect that Rubén Galindo Jr. was courting the U.S. market with DON’T PANIC. The attempt to create a facsimile of an American teen-centric horror film only enhances the movie’s oddball charms. Michael is a teenager, so his room is filled with a disturbing number of car posters. His insistence on keeping his dinosaur jammies on during moments of peril suggests a much younger character – or a traumatic brain injury. Michael’s dynamics with Tony, love interest Alexandra (Gabriela Hassel) and the overall atmosphere around him are full of bizarre dialogue and painfully awkward social situations. Scenery is chewed at all angles, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. Then, there’s Michael’s mother, portrayed by Helena Rojo, a Marge Thompson (Nancy’s mom) analog who confidently declares herself an alcoholic in a spit-take of a scene. Oh, did I mention there’s a heavy electronic brain-melter of a theme song?
Overall, DON’T PANIC is heavily indebted to our boy Fred Krueger, but it also borrows liberally from both Witchboard (Ouija grab-ass gone wrong) and The Evil Dead (Tony’s possessed appearance and his wielding of a demonic dagger). I love this eccentric little mash-up because Galindo swings for the fences, completely unashamed of his bizarre choices. There’s a confidence in this movie that spits in the face of the nonbelievers. Vinegar Syndrome has a great Blu-ray release that is, unfortunately, going out of print soon. Join the cult of DON’T PANIC, and in no time, you too will be plaintively screaming “Tony!” at ear-splitting volumes.
Death To False Horror,
Dr. Benny Graves
