By JESS BLACK
It’s Monday – again! How the heck did that happen? Curse this wretched seven-day cycle. Have no fear, as I’m here to relieve thine maudlin mornings with the only possible cure – extreme aquatic gore in the form of PIRANHA 3D!
This one bites – in all the right places. Released in 2010 (fifteen years after its Piranha predecessor), Alexandre Aja’s eye-popping fun-fest provides what you want from a movie in this fantastic series and not one thing more.
Frat party turned hunting ground? Check!
Shotguns and chainsaws versus hordes of flesh-nibbling prehistoric fishies? Check!
A partially eaten sleazoid pornographer? Check, please!
The characters in this movie are gold. The always perky Elisabeth Shue stars as intrepid Sheriff Julie Forester, along with Jerry O’Connell as porn director Derrick Jones, who convinces partying teens to come on a lake cruise with him. Throw in Christopher Lloyd as a fuming scientist (so basically Doc Brown if he was in PIRANHA 3D), Ving Rhames as a boat-motor-wielding cop and (very briefly) Richard Dreyfuss, and we are in business.
But what about the gore, you ask? PIRANHA 3D delivers the gruesome goods.
The porno plot, interspersed with divers, scientists and unfortunate holiday revelers savaged by the little flesh rippers, culminates in a highly awesome bloodbath in act three. In a three-minute window, you have a motorboat scalping, legless party animals, so much blood and Eli Roth getting beheaded. Cool. He pops up all over the place, doesn’t he?
There are gallons of blood and some outstanding practical effects, thanks to the handiwork of the god of gore himself, Greg Nicotero. And it’s all elevated to another level by the mind-boggling, space-age technology that is 3D!
You can tell just how 3D this movie is because of the title, and you’ll doubtless be thrilled to hear that, following the grand tradition set by Jaws 3D and Friday the 13th Part III, PIRANHA 3D does include many obligatory out-of-the-screen shots.
From the thunderous, bloody typhoon that opens the picture to a boob-heavy frat party and high-velocity exploding fish, this movie takes every opportunity to elevate its B-movie sensibilities to a new dimension!
It’s not quite as offensive as the shark slowly inching towards the screen in Jaws 3-D, nor as jarring as Jason proudly holding a pitchfork to the camera in Friday the 13th Part III, but it’s still not great, and the effects certainly look odd when viewed in 2D.
Also, this movie is more fun when watched in darkness with the cardboard 3D specs included with the Blu-ray version. With the ill-fitting glasses and the permanent red hue, it certainly makes for a unique viewing experience. Still, the flick is a laugh either way, but try and get a hold of one of those Blu-rays for a little extra spice.
Perhaps the most 2010 movie ever released, this hip-hop-heavy guts-and-gore fest will, without a doubt, make Monday a little more bearable. From decapitation to flesh-rending to mad fish-versus-man action, this movie really does have something for everyone.
Happy Mondays! Bite, bite!
