Alright, folks. Buckle in.
The devout prattlings that follow are from actual
Rue Morgue Radio listeners, annointed members of our conjugal congregation who've taken time from their wholesome lives to impart on us a few words of divine inspiration.
These pious passages were sent in response to our recent contest, wherein we selected three winners, purely by random, to help preach against the blasphemous perversion and degenerate filth that lies within the SHOCK FESTIVAL diabolical DVDs!
But before we begin, I can't tell you how much it warms the cockles of my heart and the testicles of my soul to know that our humble sermons fall each week upon the ears of such gentle, tasty lambs.
So hallelujah's and high fives to all!
Now, praise the lord and pass the mint sauce....
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Hey Rue Morgue Radio and RM ~ I'm a hallelujah-to-hell-and-back horror fan and I've been a reader for nearly a decade! Praise Rodrigo!
Feedback's Sermon: While it's true that Rodrigo is a holy saint and blessed brother, we do not venerate him as a deity. That honour is reserved for our one true God, Marco Pecota, if only for his inspirational collection of Celine Dion records.
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Praise the Lord, Brothers Feedback and Last Chance Lance.
I have seen the light after your review and must purge my soul of all evil temptations. Thus, I feel I should subject myself to the collection of horrid, sinful material in the Shock Festival disc set, so I can begin purifying my soul.
Please see me as worthy of protecting the rest of the world from such blasphemous material by keeping it in my home.
I will as a The Sentinel, standing guard over the mouth of hell that this material will open,
So, send this collection to me straight away, so I might feast my eyes....... Uh, I mean shield the eyes of the world from such blasphemous horrors.
Your brother in faith,
[Name Withheld]
Amen, brothers. Amen.
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Dear Brother Feedback and Brother Lance,
I am a good, wholesome listener who would very much like to view this good, wholesome Christian dvd... Haha
God Bless you both!
Hahahaha!
Great show guys!
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I am glad to hear you have turned to the True Light of Christianity!
I have some advice to help you hold the Lord's blessed power in your heart. First, it would be best to glorify Joshua, hero of Israel, who
was also a genocidal maniac, the Good Book(tm) clearly says that the wholesale slaughter of a people can be a truly blessed activity.
Of course, let us also keep in mind the lesson of Jeph'thah from The Book of Judges, which informs us that human sacrifice is something God
approves of in his infinite wisdom. However killing alone can eventually cause us to grow weary of the Lord to which the Bible shows us other wholesome activities we may partake in, such as those of King Solomon, who had seven hundred wives and three-hundred concubines.
Of course, this is all "Old Testament" God. Jesus shows us many activities we can make a part of our daily lives as we give thanks, such as "if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out" or sending demons
into the bodies of pigs and killing them all, and the time-honored family tradition of putting curses on fig trees we don't like. These are some truly grand examples from The Gospel According to Saint Mark.
I hope you can keep these important lessons from the Holy Bible close to your heart as this new leaf is turned over.
-His Holiness, the Reverend Brother Father [Name Withheld], Pope of Western New York and High Priest to Our Lady of Incontinence
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As a dedicated soldier of God's army of true believers, it is my responsibility...nay, my DUTY... to see that this degrading,filthy smut doesn't find its way into the hands of the unclean and easily tempted. I will take this 3-Disc box of sin and keep it away from the eyes of the innocent. I will take it upon myself to watch these pornographic depictions of wanton lewdness, again and again... for research.
...yeah, that's it research...
Oh yeah, and praise Jesus, and stuff.
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As Brother [Name Withheld] on the Rue Morgue Message Boards, I strive every day (especially Sunday, of course, LOL) to bring the other posters together in Christian fellowship and brother/sisterhood.
Having started the [
Censored], I have seen my efforts blossom and grow. I hope this fact, as well as my love of such moral Christian films as The Devil's Nightmare (which shows the true dangers of succumbing to the Seven Deadly Sins), Halloween (two of the young ladies fall to debauchery and vice, while the truly moral young woman survives in the face of true evil), and darned-near every zombie film out there will convince you to bless me with a copy of the Shock Festival DVD set. It would go well with my copy of the book which, not coincidentally enough, was acquired through the [
Censored - because all good Christians love censorship] program.
Bless you both. Keep up your fine work on radio!
Yours in Christ (and horror love):
[Name Withheld]
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Not a good god fearing christian person but I would LOVE this DVD set....
Feedback's Sermon: Yeah, and I have a pretty good idea what you'll do with it too, you filthy fiend! Put your willy back in your trousers and read your bible, for fuck's sakes! (And no, not the stuff about Soddom and Gomorrah either, you walking groin!)
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Normally, I wouldn't write all this...but since Feedback asked to prove that we're good Christians..heheheh..I attended an Episcopalian middle school before attending a Catholic high school.
I also took some form of separate religion classes for about 8 years, and I graduated from the Catholic College, [
Censored]University.
That being said, having to eat that much Christian dogma makes you reach the age of reason more quickly and I'm now a proud Agnostic who laughs at just how much religion class he took when he was younger. While I've had eucharist, been confirmed, yada yada yada, I haven't regularly attended mass in about 7 years. And I take great personal pride in the fact that my senior thesis at a Catholic College chronicled the evolution of female protagonists in horror from Psycho onward.
So basically, I was a good Catholic....then I got to college and rediscovered my horror roots (I read goosebumps and fear street as a kid) and made the better choice for my life (including becoming a lifelong rue morgue subscriber since about 2 and a half to 3 years ago).
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Why do I look to horror to keep me on the good wholesome God fearing path?
Horror Teaches me: it gives me correct information. Aim for the head.
Horror Rebukes me: repairs my wrong ways of thinking. Sex and drugs may be fun but I want to live through this.
Horror Corrects me: Corrects my character flaws. No more Mr. Nice Guy. Friends, family, if you’re a monster, you die.
Horror Trains me in righteousness: Trains me to be ready to make the right choices & decisions. If you get bitten or even look like you were bitten, I shoot you in the head.
In the name of our Lord, and all his burning host of angels and cherubim, may I be cast down screaming into the fiery pit of perdition to receive napalm enemas from Lucifers infernal imps if I do not receive a copy of this DVD. Because brothers Lance and Feedback I will take it as a holy sign that have been judged by the Almighty and smote a good one for my perfidy and wickedness. Amen!
Feedback's Sermon: Please! Give this man a parish!
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Believe it or not, I am a Christian, and a horror fan. But while my religious convictions inform my reflections and writing on horror, sci fi, and fantasy, it does so in a way that does not interfere with the genres themselves.
Feedback's Sermon: Well, I see you already have a deep and meaningful relationship with the Lord. Curious though - do you 'pitch' or 'catch?'
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I'm as wholesome as they come, goddammnit! Now send me my f---kin' DVD!
Love your show.
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Heavano,
On the way home from Bible study today much like every time we were listening to lovely Rue Morgue Radio Show and I was more delighted than a Christian with 2 bibles. to hear you are having a contest.
I thought I should share a joke with you,
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny Midwest town got up early
and went to the local church.
Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from an evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who
sat calmly in his pew, not moving.....seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate
enemy was in his presence.
Now this confused and irritated the Devil a bit, so he walked up to the man and said,
"Don't You know who I am?"
"Yes I sure do", the elderly man said.
Satan asked,"Aren't you scared of me?"
This time the man said, NO Definitely Not!"
Satan, a little more perturbed at this, asked,"Why aren't you scared of me?"
The man calmly replied,,"Been married to your Sister for 56 years"
Feedback's Sermon: If there IS a hell, I hope you burn in it for an eternity for making me read that God Awful joke! Jesus Fucking Christ!
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Scary-sounding Christian words: Revelations, Beatitudes, transubstantiation, inccorruptible saints, reliquary, ossuary
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Dear Rue Morgue Radio,
I heard about the "Shock Fest" give-a-way contest on this week's pod cast -- along with the "Caustic Critic's" new family friendly format.
If the Lord smiles on me, answering my prayers for a compilation of sleazy grindhouse trailers, please be so kind as to mail my copy of the "Shock Fest" DVD to:
[Name and Address Withheld]
Yours in Christ,
[Name Withheld]
PS -- Love the show and the magazine. I'm a former Horror Host ("[Name Withheld]" of "[Name Withheld]" which aired on local cable in [
Censored - because censorship gives Jesus a boner!] in the late 90's) and current librarian.
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Hello, I'm [Name Withheld]
I was born in a little town, was baptized before i could walk, went to a catholic school, and used to get dragged to church every Sunday. Ive had a thing for Horror movies since...well since my first one i guess...i cant even remember which one it was, but since then ive slowly been devouring them and adding to my growing movie collection, and hopefully this e-mail will help my collection grow a little more!
Since ive heard of rue morgue ive been downloading weekley and picking up the magazine almost every month. festival of fear is a must for me. I think I fit your description of a "good god fearing christian horror fan" relatively well...hopefully enough to convince you guys to send me a movie
Everyone at rue morgue, your awesome! keep doing what your doing
From a zombie loving fiend,
[Name Withheld]
Feedback's Sermon: This young lady sent in a picture of herself posing with our very own brother Tomb. Unfortunately, she's quite a sexy creature who no doubt uses her enticements to arouse the desires of otherwise righteous men! To help put her back in God's good books, I say we ravage her flesh then burn her at the stake! That'll learn her!
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So there you have it - angelic anedotes to abide by.
And finally, I must express my eternal gratitude to the holy warrior who took the time to warn us of our dark descent into 'Pervery Boys Club' purgatory!
Without your timely words of caution, we may never have seen the light! Nor would we have connected so vigourously with our frisky flock!
Without YOU....we'd still be jerking off to animal porn and underage Tracy Lords movies!!!!!
So thank fucking CHRIST you saved us from our goddamned heathenism!
Now give me a hallulejah and a hand shandy!
Amen to all!
Reverend Feedback
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