He only comes out at night… but mostly during the day.

Newsflash: Night Beast has just crash landed on earth. He’s lost, pissed off and hungry. Do not, in any case, try to evacuate your town. Use your crude weapons and small town idiocy to battle him on your own. Convert your living room into a hospital (don’t tell anyone it’s not a real hospital, they won’t notice anyway) for the wounded. Here is the last known photo of the Night Beast, who’s most likely lurking in your laundry room or a forest nearby. Good luck and godspeed!

10 WAYS TO SURVIVE A NIGHT BEAST INVASION:
- Hide behind a rock, his laser can only disintegrate cars and people.
- Stand behind a cheap wooden fence, he understands it’s an enemy perimeter and will not try to breach it.
- During a laser battle, place yourself directly in his line of fire, he’ll shoot right over your head.
- Night Beast is extremely slow and has bad hearing. As such, you can take your time to fray the end of a dryer power cord, place it on the ground, fill and dump three buckets of water on it, then plug it in before he takes notice. This is an effective method for shooing away the Night Beast.
- Take a time out and have uninspired sex with an ugly police officer with bad hair, Night Beast doesn’t come around during this time. Use the line: “Do you mind if I take off my towel?” to get things going.
- Unload 23 rounds from your magical six-shooter at him, that might scare him away.
- Hire an elderly hunter to shoot the laser gun out of his hand. Night Beast is too rigid to reach down and pick it up.
- If you see him up close, just close the door, as he probably didn’t see you.
- Become obese. Night Beast eats human flesh, but only very little. In fact, he favours slashing the face with his hands and skittering off, so the more flesh you have, the better your chances of survival.
- Finally, if you’ve tried all of the previous steps and things have still gotten out of hand, be altruistic. Save the world from the flesh-eating apocalypse of this leather-faced intergalactic monster by simply giving up. Remember this: Night Beast is extremely trigger happy and not very concerned about his long term health and survival. Just let him zap everybody, he’ll eventually run out of people to eat.

If you haven’t seen Don Dohler’s cheapjack laser-toting, face-squishing, space alien-in-a-silver-tunic-on-a-rampage flick, you’re missing out. RIP Don Dohler, December 2, 2006.