Rue Morgue Podcast
POST APOCALYPSE – RATLINE
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It’s the 40th episode of the Rue Morgue Podcast and to celebrate we have a monster contest giveaway, including:
1 of 10 Horror T-Shirts from our friends over at FAST CUSTOM SHIRTS.
Check out their extensive array of horror t-shirts HERE.
And the grand prize winner will also receive:
A prize pack from talented artist (and multiple Rue Morgue Podcast contest winner) CHAD SAVAGE, including an art print of the winner’s choice from his website, a set of blank Halloween greeting cards (5 in the set) and the last remaining Jack of 1000 Faces Original Run t-shirt (an XL.) Plus – whatever weird little things he might decide to throw in the box.
Also – we have a signed Rue Morgue Radio poster and a DVD copy of Eric Stanze’s RATLINE (Lance’s favourite flick) to throw in for the grand prize winner too.
Details are on this week’s episode of the podcast but post your entries right here on the RUE MORGUE BLOG.
Good luck,
:- FDBK
Special thanks to FAST CUSTOM SHIRTS.
The Rue Morgue Podcast now has a FACEBOOK page of its own. Check it out HERE.
To have one of your letters read on an upcoming edition of the Rue Morgue Podcast, send an email to letters @ ruemorgueradio.com.
To listen to the episode, use the embedded player or click HERE
(or ‘Right Click’ to save to your hard drive).
To subscribe in iTunes, use the following URL:
And Lance’s fruity youtube video can be seen here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v_-9bkFmvrs
I absolutely LOVE Rue Morgue!!! I have been a long time horror fan & you all deliver! I’m also pretty Psyched that I can stay ‘up to the minute’ with you on line too… But there’s my little stalkerish side poking its head out again…..
Keep up the good work! Rock on!
Kate Zahner
Acushnet, Massachusetts
I recorded that on an Edison wax cylinder inside a dunnie
Kangaroo skull? I’ll see what I can do.
The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence) – It’s a wronger, longer conga.
I’m unlikely to top that.
I would like to enter the contest. Also, the Blutfahne was stained with the blood of the failed participants of the Beer Hall Putsch on 9 November 1923…78 years ago today.
I think the film looks interesting.
Not sure just how offensive we are allowed to get with this one, but given the example, here goes:
IRREVERSIBLE
It’s an anal-ripping good time!
-or-
IRREVERSIBLE
It’s as fun as ass-raping Monica Bellucci in a tunnel for ten minutes!
-or-
IRREVERSIBLE
The bitch had it coming!
(That should offend just about everyone, I think)
DEADGIRL
“Dead girls don’t say no”
1. The Brides of Dracula- Hotter than 100 naked Sarah Palin clones munchin’.
2. The Thing- Want to play with my ding-a-ling?
3. Hobo With a Shotgun- It’s fuckin’ Rutger Hauer!
one more:
C.H.U.D. 2: Bud The Chud- Look out!Bud the Chud likes to stick it in the mud.
Sadly, 2 minutes after Lance released the crow, this happened…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BmeJM_6tN8k
Thanks for doomin’ us all, Lance.
Pingback: Win My Art / Products from the Rue Morgue Podcast | The Dark Art of Chad Savage
Obviously I can’t enter the contest to win… but can I enter just for fun? I haven’t had a chance to listen to the podcast yet to see what the contest *is*, exactly, but I can tell from the entries above that I’m going to love it…
“The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence) – It’s a wronger, longer conga.”
That’s gonna take some beating.
“I would like to enter the contest.”
Then….enter it!
“Obviously I can’t enter the contest to win… but can I enter just for fun?”
Yes, you can. We discuss your eligibility on the program.
Re-Animator: A Man Gives Some Head And He Ain’t Even Queer!
Blood Feast: Just Fuckin’ Eat It Already!
Antichrist: Scissors – Handle With Care
The Exorcist: Practice Safe Sacrilege
Assuming I’m in with a chance of winning a T I would like an Im-Ho-Tep T-Shirt – XL
Prom Night(1980) – Everyone gets laid… to rest!
“I’m also pretty Psyched that I can stay ‘up to the minute’ with you on line too… But there’s my little stalkerish side poking its head out again…..”
Thank you, Kate! But don’t forget to enter the contest!
Someone better try hard to top Dark Mark’s or else Chad Savage is gonna have a hefty shipping bill on his hands!
We have to do better than Dark Mark’s? I didn’t know that he was able to compete…
“We have to do better than Dark Mark’s? I didn’t know that he was able to compete…”
You’re confusing him with Chad Savage! (Who, incidentally, is also eligible to compete. If he wins, his prize goes to Lance and me! Do you trust us to adjudicate fairly?)
Anyway, your tagline is good…..but is it enough to topple Dark Mahk’s? Hmmm…..
I dunno.
I don’t know either, I’m trying to come up with a really good one for Slaughter High( I really hope I come up with something better because I am a huge fan of Chad’s)
Also, I do trust you guys! (I just want to win
)
At the moment these are the only two that are rolling around in the old noodle and are nothing special.
Deliverance – You’ll never want a piggyback ride ever again.
Teeth – This pretty pussy packs a mean bite.
Out of curiosity, if you were to win, what T-SHIRTS would you go for? (You never know, it might sway the vote…)
Abomination, Aenigma, Closet Space, Billy The Kid Vs. Dracula(Who wouldn’t want this?), Cars That Eat People, Hellevator, RE-Animator, Slaughter High, Woodchipper Massacre, and the “Do You read Sutter Cane?” – In the Mouth of Madness shirt.
Screw it… if I win, I’ll take the Serbian Film T-Shirt.
Is it ten or just one? If it’s just one then I’d have to go with the Billy the Kid vs. Dracula t-shirt.
The Japanese Braindead T-Shirt in Black Men’s Large (gotta love the bondage)
Cannibal Holocaust: You – Somebody About to Get Raped (And Then You Get Your Ass Eaten)
I must’ve missed that Japanese Braindead shirt, good choice Owen!
“Is it ten or just one?”
Yes, it’s just ONE. (So in theory, there’ll be ten winners, give or take – and one grand prize winner.)
As I said, I suck at these, so don’t expect anythin’ mindblowin’. But on the plus side, I live in North America, so postage won’t kill you if I win.
Oh yeah, I’d pick either Accion Mutante, or Halloween 3 if I were to garner the pity vote. Anywho, on with the crap…
- Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale: Suddenly, bein’ Jewish doesn’t seem so bad.
- Poltergeist: The single most cause of coulrophobia in people age 30 and up.
God, those really did suck, didn’t they (don’t worry Dark Mark, I think your safe)? I’ll do better next time.
You know, I just watched that vid of Lance and his girl releasing their pet crow into the wild. The fact that Lance seems truly sad and remorseful to have to say goodbye to that bird is incredibly disturbing.
You know what they say about people who love animals way more than actual people, right?
Textbook sociopath!
Slime City: Don’t Forget Your Straw
“You know, I just watched that vid of Lance and his girl releasing their pet crow into the wild. ”
You could easily imagine the pair of them feasting on the innards of an elderly couple, couldn’t you?
“God, those really did suck, didn’t they (don’t worry Dark Mark, I think your safe)? ”
Eh…the first one was pretty good.
Thanks Feed. Way to boost my already fragile ego.
Actually, this is a tough contest, isn’t it? Not easy to top that SERBIAN FILM t-shirt.
“You could easily imagine the pair of them feasting on the innards of an elderly couple, couldn’t you?”
You’re the one who ate Lance’s cheese, my friend. You’re a braver man than I.
“You’re the one who ate Lance’s cheese”
God…that’s got such an unpleasant ring to it!
The Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence
Immerse the Perverse… Then Reverse
Eaten Alive Italy (Large)
I’m in!
Gotta listen to the show first… will remedy that this afternoon (hopefully)
:thumb:
I’d take the Astro Zombies shirt in large.
Here’s another for good measure:
The Skull- Nothing like getting a little head.
AMAZING
Black Christmas – A psychobilly Christmas special!
That Black Christmas shirt is calling my name…
Okay, I’m tryin’ to redeem myself here. Please tell me this was never used…
Hostel: Beware unbalanced Czechs.
Rosemary’s Baby – Pro-life? Not for long…
Ok that was terrible. I’m done. This is a fun contest though!
OLDBOY: Just when you thought it was safe to go back in your daughter.
@Satan’s Favorite Son-
“Hostel: Beware unbalanced Czechs.”
Love it!
Very nice work, Ashley. I have a feeling that BLACK CHRISTMAS shirt is coming your way…!
Not bad, SFS! ….. That’s better….
And Mike. Keep going. I think you can do more.
Rue Morgue makes everyday Halloween!
Final Destination – if you’re lucky on the TTC!
Dead Alive: Let’s Crawl in Your Mum’s Giant Fetid Zombie Pussy
I’ll keep at it. And I’ll try not to hurt myself in the process.
Thanks!
Ratline – (starring Emily Haack and Jason Christ)- Prepare to be Mislead!
Ok, I’m really done now.
“Rue Morgue makes everyday Halloween!”
That’s a good way of putting it. And it’s probably why I don’t out for Halloween – it’s amateur night for misunderstood monsters!
Sleepwalkers – My Mon and I Loved It!
Even though Lance hurt my feelings by saying “she’s dead to me now,” I’ll still listen to the show and enter the contest :p
A SERBIAN FILM: “The family that fucks together, stays together!”
THE SIXTH SENSE: “He’s dead.”
IRREVERSIBLE: “Take a trip through the Tunnel of Love.”
DEAD HOOKER IN A TRUNK: “The Life & Times of Meli Hooker.”
I totally want the SERBIAN FILM tee. Although for the sake of full disclosure I have to admit I will gift it to my brother because he lives to offend people.
Lance,
I won’t forget the good times we had <3 I hope one day you find love with a Hooker like I did!
-The Hooker
Whoa this thread is getting nasty (I like it)
The IRREVERSIBLE one was especially for you, Owen
Now, here’s a couple especially for my friend Mike Tank…
HOUSE OF THE DEVIL: “If this bitch doesn’t die she just may bore YOU to death!”
HOUSE OF THE DEVIL: “Zzzzzzzzzz….”
*evil grin*
Marcus is looking to break some sort of record for ‘most taglines in a single blog’ I think……
And Meli. Nice work. And I love that you used this opportunity to taunt Mr. Tank.
I’m trying to think of one for the WALKING DEAD but your ‘Zzzzzzzz’ tagline’s already been used.
THE WALKING DEAD.
Not as bad as House of the Dead.
But not as good either.
I think the tagline for this thread ahould be “This time, it’s personal!”
Geez, what did I ever do to you guys to get so much LOVE?
Oh well…you know what they say about the best way to dish out some REVENGE, right? Hope you’re wearing your parkas!
“Hope you’re wearing your parkas!”
You’re going to… pee on us!?
“You’re going to… pee on us!?”
Why do I have this strong, creeping suspicion that one or both of you would enjoy that? You guys have been hanging around Lance too long.
Another one for Mike Tank…
(since you didn’t specify that it had to be horror movie titles)
SINGING IN THE RAIN: “That’s actually some dude’s pee, brah.”
From baby fucking to golden showers….
Never a dull moment on the Rue Morgue comments sections!
Oh I’ve got a great one (thanks to a certain festival programmer I know who shall not be named….)
John Carpenter’s
THE WARD.
It’s like watching your grandfather pissing himself.
GIALLO
He NOSE You’re Alone.
GIALLO
He NOSE You’re Alone.
Reading that while taking a drink was a bad combo.
“I’m trying to think of one for the WALKING DEAD but your ‘Zzzzzzzz’ tagline’s already been used.”
The Walking Dead: The show is better than the comics. At least with the show, we only have to wait a week for nothin’ to happen.
“The Walking Dead: The show is better than the comics. At least with the show, we only have to wait a week for nothin’ to happen.”
Hehe. Tank’s gonna hate you!
Thriller: They Call Her One Eye (because “Ol’ Creampie’d Brown Eye” would’ve been a dick move)
Honestly don’t think it’s any better than Dark Mark’s wronger, longer conga — that needs to be on a shirt — but it’d be cool to hear one of you guys read my entry on the podcast!
James
Aw man, and I just got on his good side too!
Warmsoda….amazing.
Please keep in mind these do NOT represent me . . . only the depths I will go to for a Haxan XL t-shirt.
Here we go . ..
I Spit On Your Grave: Overreact much?
(–Alternate tagline: Finally! The Brutal Truth About PMS Can Be Told)
Oldboy: Who’s Your Daddy? Trust Me, You Don’t Wanna Know.
Deliverance: To avoid being arrested, keep repeating: It’s illegal to masturbate in a public theater . . . it’s illegal to masturbate in a public theater . . . it’s illegal to masturbate in a public theater.
Cannibal Holocaust: If you liked it then you shoulda drove a stake through it.
Soylent Green: This time, it’s person.
Beyond the Valley of the Dolls: Roger Ebert’s latest jaw-dropper.
The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift: You’ll believe an Asian can drive.
English…they get progressively better.
I’m afraid Dahk Mahk’s supremacy has been harshly challenged here tonight. I think you better fire up the old thinkin cap Mark and get crackin on some new ones!
(And we haven’t even heard from a couple of ringers yet! Yes – I’m talking to you, Chad Savage! And Zimmermaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!)
*cue Seinfeld Bass*
But English….if you win, what on earth will you do with TWO copies of RATLINE? !!!! (Starring Emily Haack and Jason Christ, directed by Eric Stanze.)
I’m playing for an XL Phantasm shirt!
(since there’s not a Rue Morgue Podcast one)
Phantasm: Before you drill that chick in the cemetery; you’d better check her for a set of balls
Evil Dead: Lay back, bend your knees, keep telling yourself… it’s only the trees
Carrie: Never let gym class be first period
The Exorcist: Forget everything you thought you knew about letting Jesus fuck you
The Thing (2011) – It assimilates everything including the plot.
Halloween 2 (2009) – You will believe a fan can cry.
Rubber (2010) – It’s a bit of a stretch, but at least it’s not another retread.
Nut of the Living Dead. I don’t know what I like better – your Exorcist Tagline or your Nickname!
1408
Don’t worry, it’s not the running time.
“1408
Don’t worry, it’s not the running time.”
Brilliant! You guys are definitely starting to hit your stride on this one….
We’re gonna have to keep this contest open for a bit I think.
HellRaiser 8
The first one brought you pleasure, now experience pure pain.
Scream 4 Craven’s Death
A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010) – It was pure greed that brought back the pede.
Zombie Strippers
Jenna, Englund, Zombie, Strippers, What can go wrong?
Taxidermia
Based on Last Chance Lance
I Spit On Your Grave – You thought he was meaner ‘till she cut off his wiener.
Holy shit! There’s some good ones in here.
“Soylent Green: This time, it’s person.
The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift: You’ll believe an Asian can drive.”
HAHAHAHAHA
The Exorcist – So Bloody Good and Ready to Go We Just Want to Rub Your Face In It.
[Last one, I promise.
]
PARANORMAL ACTIVITY –
It Knows What Bores You.
CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST –
This Holiday Season, Spend Thanksgiving With Last Chance Lance!
HOSTEL: PART II -
From Eli Roth, the director of HOSTEL. And the best friend of Quentin Tarantino. Did he mention that? Because he is. They hang out. A lot. Also, he directed HOSTEL. And he knows Quentin Tarantino. They watch horror movies at Quentin’s house. In fact, he got the idea for HOSTEL at Quentin’s house. Quentin told him to make HOSTEL because Quentin wanted to see a movie like HOSTEL. HOSTEL HOSTEL HOSTEL. Quentin Quentin Quentin.
@Meli/Feedback/Satan’s Favorite Son-
I have to be honest. I can’t really argue with you on the whole “Walking Dead” bit. So far, this season is kind of shambling along slower than the zombies!
Salò, or the 120 Days of Sodom:
Fucking Teenagers Eat Shit and Die
@Meli-
…but I’m still stewing over your HOTD slagging! It’s brilliant and you know it!
A SERBIAN FILM-
Filmed entirely on location in the team locker room at Penn State.
I did that last one just so I could be the 100th comment. You’re welcome.
“A SERBIAN FILM-
Filmed entirely on location in the team locker room at Penn State.”
ZING!
I considered making a similar comment, but couldn’t come up with anything clever enough…
I don’t like you having all this fun without me! I have to go back to work
INSIDIOUS-
POLTERGEIST without the midget.
@Meli-
But….it’s NATIONAL METAL DAY! Shouldn’t you be calling in sick, teasing your hair, strapping on the black leather and spandex, and calling all your groupies for a good, old fashonied Heavy Metal Gang Bang?
Just like I am right now?
“But….it’s NATIONAL METAL DAY! Shouldn’t you be calling in sick, teasing your hair, strapping on the black leather and spandex, and calling all your groupies for a good, old fashonied Heavy Metal Gang Bang? ”
HA, I wish
I’m celebrating in a most non-metal fashion – crunching numbers in a cubicle until 5, completely sober, dressed in “office casual.” Ewww, I feel dirty…
I might tease my hair and get metal tonight. If I do, I will be sure to post picks on Chonebook m/
HOUSE OF THE DEVIL: “No, that ‘One Thing Leads to Another’ sequence is NOT clever.”
THE THING (2011): “Who gives a flying fuck anymore about these bullshitanium movies!?”
I thought about working Penn State into a Serbian Film tagline, but ultimately, I couldn’t pull the trigger. I live in State College, PA, so it’s a little too close to home for me.
It’s been a mighty interesting week here in “Happy Valley”.
“I might tease my hair and get metal tonight. If I do, I will be sure to post picks on Chonebook”
PLEASE tell me that you’ll also wear the Jeff Strand disgiuse.
“No, that ‘One Thing Leads to Another’ sequence is NOT clever.”
You’re right, it’s not clever. It’s GENIUS!
BTW- Ever since the Guillermo podcast, I’ve been using the term “bullshitanium” a LOT.
“PLEASE tell me that you’ll also wear the Jeff Strand disgiuse. ”
I can’t do both, he isn’t metal enough
“You’re right, it’s not clever. It’s GENIUS!”
You’re fucking up ma flow, dawg!
HOUSE OF THE DEVIL: “This movie fucking sucks!”
@Nick English-
It’s quite the sordid tale going on up there. I hope I didn’t offend, amigo.
“BTW- Ever since the Guillermo podcast, I’ve been using the term “bullshitanium” a LOT.”
I was worried no on would get the joke, but SUCCESS.
You came through, buddy
Absolutely not, Mike, no offense taken whatsoever.
In fact, I make my living as a radio comedy writer, and I’ve made more than a few cracks about it myself over the past week. Which makes me kind of hypocritical, I guess.
Perhaps somewhere in my subconscious I decided that exploiting the tragedy for a t-shirt . . . even a really cool-ass extra large HAXAN t-shirt . . . was going too far?
But believe me, I hold a good punch line in the highest regard, and I firmly believe you can say almost anything, as long as it’s funny.
It really is a CRAZY situation here. This town and those that surround it really only exist because of Penn State. This area smack-dab in the middle of PA would basically be farmland without it.
It seems like everybody I know went there, goes there or works there. And it really is like worship the way people regard football and Joe Paterno.
Frankly, I’ve always been ambivalent to PSU and college football in general. I didn’t grow up here or go to school here, nor do I work at the university. (My wife does, though.)
But it’s impossible not to be affected by it living here.
The father of one of my son’s friends is a strength coach for the team . . . one of my neighbors works for the Second Mile, which is the children’s charity that monster Jerry Sandusky founded and apparently used as a dating pool / escort service for wealthy donors.
And Paterno’s granddaughter made her communion with my daughter just a few years ago.
The soul of this town has really been ripped out. People are trying desperately to find ways to let JoePa off the hook for this, but my feeling is that will become impossible as more info comes out.
Big game at home against Nebraska tomorrow. No Joe. It’s going to be an interesting weekend. Watch CNN for riot coverage!
I Spit On Your Grave- The only person she won’t get raped by is Jerry Sandusky.
“I Spit On Your Grave- The only person she won’t get raped by is Jerry Sandusky.”
I fucking love you! <3
Blow Out: See John Travolta’s first “rim” job
The Mist: The most depressing ending ever . . . if you don’t count Penn State’s 2011 football season. (See how I was able to do that without exploiting the actual child abuse? Extra points for me!)
Who Can Kill a Child?: Casey Anthony. That’s who.
The Tingler: Those aren’t Jerry Sandusky’s fingers running up your spine. (Okay fine, I caved.)
The Silence of the Lambs: If you want them to stop screaming, stop fucking them, Cletus!
The Exorcist: See the priests get abused by the kid for a change.
Some pretty funny entries so far.
A Serbian Film – It’s the movie that even Pedophiles don’t approve of.
Deliverance – Don’t be a bitch and take it like a man!
Star Wars: The Phantom Menace – George Lucas is getting ready to rape a whole new generation of fans.
You guys are very ill…..I approve. This is gonna be REAL hard to pick – and I have a feeling we’ve got a few more gooduns coming too!
PET SEMATARY –
“A laugh-out-loud, feel-good romp!”- Michael Vick
This one’s for Feedback and Lance-
THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING MAN-
I can’t help it, honey! It’s freezing in here!
Okay. Sorry. That last one was vaudeville-lame. Somebody ring a gong. I’m done.
“Okay. Sorry. That last one was vaudeville-lame. Somebody ring a gong. I’m done.”
I liked it! But the PET SEMATARY one is gold
Marcus. You’re allowed one more shot but it better be a goodun!
Session 9 – Someone took a litttttttle too much acid.
Aftermath – You can think pink elephants until momma Africa comes home, and it still doesn’t make elephants pink!
The Human Centipede – Who shall say where the one ends and the other begins?
“Okay. Sorry. That last one was vaudeville-lame. Somebody ring a gong. I’m done.”
I think you peaked with HOSTEL 2.
“I think you peaked with HOSTEL 2.”
Well, that’s just sad. We’ll see if I can top it before the axe comes down on this thing.
You Must Obey Three Simple Rules:
Never Get Them Wet.
Keep Them Out Of Bright Light.
And, Most Importantly….No Matter What….
Never Ever…Uh…Er…What’s The Third One….Umm….Let’s See Here…Never Get ‘Em Wet, Keep ‘Em Out Of Bright Light…And Uhhhh….
I Can’t Think Of The Third One Right Now. Sorry. Oops!
-tagline for Rick Perry’s GREMLINS
I Can’t Think Of The Third One Right Now. Sorry. Oops!
HA HA! Love it.
Human Centipede 2:
The most disgusting film since Indiana Jones 4
Vincent Canby calls it “disgusting”. Roger Ebert calls it “morally reprehensible”. Charlie Sheen calls it “My house on a Friday night.”
Love means never having to say “Sorry I shit in your mouth.”
You assed for it.
Eat Shit and Crawl.
The only thing less medically accurate is Pamela Anderson’s tits.
Wow….Nick English delivers. If Letterman had the balls to do a top ten on the Human Centipede, this is what it would look like.
Re-Animator:
Get Dead. Give Head.
Ghosts of Mars:
…yes, that John Carpenter.
Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood:
Fuck Freddy and Fuck Carrie.
House of the Dead:
You loved Double Dragon.
You loved Wing Commander.
Get ready to love…
Hausu:
…we got nothing.
The Shining:
Do you like bears?
Dead Alive:
Do you like custard?
Bats:
Do you like shit?
WOLF CREEK-
30,000 people are reported missing in Australia every year.
29,000 of them were last seen at Dark Mark’s house.
Zombie Women Of Satan
It’s got a god damn zombie in a wheelchair lactating acid for christ sake.
Zombie Exterminator T-Shirt XL
“29,000 of them were last seen at Dark Mark’s house.”
Come now that is a bit of an exaggeration.
I knew Emily Haack look familiar, she fucked herself with a broom handle in “I Spit on Your Corpse, I Piss on Your Grave”
Okay one more:
Edward Scissorhands: No finger bangin’ in this movie!
These are pretty lame, but sadly they’re the best I’ve come up with so far.
Monsturd:
If you thought Ratline was good, you’re going to love this!
Suicide Club:
Not even the actors could stand this movie.
The Mist:
10 easy steps to becoming single and responsibility-free again.
Crimson Tide:
Danger runs deep at that time of the month.
I know that last one isn’t horror, but it was the first thing that popped into my head.
Or how about:
His fingering skills are a cut below
*Edward Scissorhands: No finger bangin’ in this movie!*
1- “No Matter How Much You Protest The Government Will Still Not Legally Allow You To Kill Your Children For Making You Sit Through It” – Jack And Jill
2- If You’ve Ever Want To See Muppets F*CK This Is The One You’ve Been Waiting For!! – Disney’s Meet The Feebles
3- “Dear God Please Kill Me..Then Please Give Kevin James Painful Anal Cancer” – The Zookeeper
4- “Fun For The Whole Family!! Especially The Rapey Ones!!” A Serbian Film
5- “You’ll Feel A Whole New Appreciation For Your Penis” Cannibal Holocaust
Wolf Creek – Come visit sunny Australia we’re just dying to eat you.
Just reading the entries in this contest is prize enough for me. I now have enough one-liners to last until the end of the world.
DEADGIRL
It ain’t rape if she’s dead.
Zombie Exterminator T-Shirt XL
MAY
Making cats in the freezer seem normal.
Zombie Exterminator T-Shirt XL
Alien³ – FUCK NEWT
I could certainly donate a copy to another winner.
Of course, with two copies I could watch one while keeping Lance’s autograph preserved on the plastic wrapper. Decisions, decisions . . .
*But English….if you win, what on earth will you do with TWO copies of RATLINE? !!!! (Starring Emily Haack and Jason Christ, directed by Eric Stanze.)*
BTW,
Out of curiosity . . . Has anyone actually seen A Serbian Film, and is it any good? Is there an actual purpose here, or is it just “let’s go as far as we can?”
I’m not really into watching babies get raped just for the sake of it.
Regarding SERBIAN FILM…
The film is allegorical in nature – so nothing is taken literally. But overall, the movie is an attempt to illustrate something about the Serbian cultural psyche – and some of the film’s most extreme moments are literalisations of actual Serbian curse words.
i.e. the infamous baby moment (which is sickly comedic more than anything else) refers to a curse word that translates to something like, “I will fuck your baby the second it comes from the mother’s womb!”
Those Serbians clearly know how to party.
And who hasn’t said that to someone at some point, right?
Now I want to hear a Serb explain their colourful vernacular to us on the podcast…now there’s a project!
Jebem te u oko. – I am fucking you in the eye.
Jebo te Sveti Ilija. – The saint Ilija fucks you.
Jebo ti pas mater! – May a dog fuck your mother!
Jebo ti konj sa krvavim kurcem sestru na majcinom grobu a ti to kao invalid gledao, dabog dao! – May a horse with a bloody dick fuck your sister on your mother’s grave and you watch it as an invalid, and God make it so! etc.
Wow,no wonder they get into a lot of stife – http://www.myinsults.com/popular-insults/serbian-insults
This is MY favourite….
Jebem ti mrtvo dete u kolevci
“I fuck your dead child in a cradle”
Here’s a nice one too….
Izdrkam ti se detetu na benkicu
I cum on your baby’s bib
This newfound understanding of Serbian culture gives the film – which I had been quite dismissive about, a new texture and meaning.
If I were thinking of the next competition it would be to come up with an insult that would make a Serbian blanch.
A Serbian Film – What were you expecting? We really are wrong’uns.
“If I were thinking of the next competition it would be to come up with an insult that would make a Serbian blanch.”
Jesus….I don’t know if we wanna open the floodgates on that one.
Tickled though are you not?
Honestly though….if someone said THIS to me in anger, I think I’d just laugh.
Jebo ti konj sa krvavim kurcem sestru na majcinom grobu a ti to kao invalid gledao, dabog dao!
(May a horse with a bloody dick fuck your sister on your mother’s grave and you watch it as an invalid, and God make it so!)
These sound more like something you’d hear in the Aristocrats joke than insults.
“May all of your heirs be destroyed by coating them in blood and letting the hounds have at them”
“May a million fly’s vomit digestive fluids on your mothers cunt”
My your daughter be stabbed in the stomach and the wound be gang-raped by a pack of feral dogs with syphilis”
You just had to go there, didn’t you Deadly?
Alright – let’s get this back on track. Save your horrible thoughts for the T-Shirt contest!
Damn. Readin’ these last few posts, I’m reminded of that Seinfeld episode where the dentist became Jewish just for the jokes and thinkin’ how I wanna learn to speak Serbian just for the insults!
“If it were a choice between watching this film and death, you’d would actually have to choose death” Rob Zombie’s Halloween 2
“If you like old man’s dongs, and Santa Claus, you’ll love” Rare Exports
“JJ Abrams says ‘Look at me!! I’m Steven Spielberg!!” Super 8
RARE EXPORTS
To get into the Christmas Spirit this year, ask your Grandfather to show you his dick!
(Yeah, I wanna win one of the t-shirts too!)
GIALLO
“To avoid fainting, keep repeating ‘It’s only a nose…It’s only a nose…’”
“His precious moustache ripped from his body, Super Mario goes on a bloody rampage in the city of Turin. And the only one who can stop him the one who knows him best…HIS BROTHER LUIGI!!” DARIO ARGENTO’S GIALLO!! Based On A True Story
“RARE EXPORTS
To get into the Christmas Spirit this year, ask your Grandfather to show you his dick!”
Sounds like Christmas at Jerry Sandusky’s house.
(And with that, I put a moratorium on Jerry Sandusky pedophile jokes)
Sandusky Claus!
http://bodaciousboomer.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/creepy-guy-on-santas-lap.bmp
And, piggybacking on Dark Mark’s brilliance . . .
Bad Biology: A Longer, Stronger Donger.
*The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence) – It’s a wronger, longer conga.*
Or
“Dawn’s got a painful corral for your little pal” Teeth
Teeth: Don’t tiptoe through THESE two lips!
I have literally been staring at the T-shirts for almost an hour. Alright,
Here goes nothing:
1.”INSIDE” – Vaginal Birth Is For Pussies!
2.”SALO`” – Eat Shit Lower Class Citizens!
3.”The Girl Next Door” – Sometimes Being A Teenage Girl…Is Torture.
(that was my wife’s contribution)
4.”SHEITAN” – Partake In Some Incest And Devil Worship This Christmas!
5.”TEETH” – Kiss Your Dick Goodbye!
Hopefully one of these get a laugh.
Great Contest guys!
Hey if you get bored of Post Apocalypse you could allways call the mail section Post Mortem instead.
127 Hours – It’s an ‘armless fun film.
I take it you don’t actually READ Rue Morgue, then?
Ha I knew I had heard it before. Yes I do though I’m a few issues behind. I never read titles.
I’m feeling somewhat guilty as I nicked the Post Apocalypse from an Australian message board I subscribe to. I’ve come clean now…that feels better.
A Serbian Film – То је као руски гнезда лутке, тек сваки редом један је сломљен отворен до курац мој сипхилитиц коња.
“I’m feeling somewhat guilty as I nicked the Post Apocalypse from an Australian message board I subscribe to. I’ve come clean now…that feels better.”
It doesn’t matter. No-one’s paying attention.
My comment is awaiting moderation.
Am I missing something?
“My comment is awaiting moderation.
Am I missing something?”
It’s been approved. I think if you don’t include an email or something the comments have to be approved by a moderator!
Just finished listening to last week’s RMR and I can’t believe nobody’s thrown this one out there:
The Incredible Shrinking Man: He Could Have Fucked Her With His Arm
(Did I just enter the contest on Lance’s behalf?)
Yeah, I think you just scored Lance a T-Shirt!
Who won the shirts/prizes?
We haven’t picked the winners yet. We’re gonna shut the contest down on Tuesday probably and pick the TEN winning entries.
We’ll announce the winners on the next installment of POST APOCALYPSE (no affiliation with Dahk Mahk’s favourite messageboard.)
Wow. Just… wow. I’ve just read the entire thread – seriously brilliant entries, here. At the moment, I got nothin’, or at least, nothin’ that’s anywhere near as good as what’s already been posted. I have ’til Tuesday, though, so I’ll see what emerges from the haunted depths of my brainmeats and, if anything seems worthy, I’ll post it. But holy moley, I have my doubts.
OK, here’s a couple just for shits & giggles:
THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS : Buffalo Bill just wants to get under your skin. Then fuck himself.
SE7EN : A big box o’ family fun!
PARANORMAL ACTIVITY : The Blair WHAT Project?
TWILIGHT : Toothless Doofus Loves Blank Plank
My desperate final attempt to win that Black Christmas t-shirt…
The Thing (2011)- Just as good as John Carpenter’s ‘The Ward’.
Twilight- Sparklepuss vs. Roid Rager.
Human Centipede- From the same folks who brought you 2 girls 1 cup!
Insidious- Inshitious.
Audition- This girl really goes out on a limb!
House of Wax- Yes, she dies.
The Strangers- No, she doesn’t die.
Scream 4- The return of Courtney Cox’s face.
Tetsuo- Drill, Baby, Drill!
Teeth- Beware of her snare or she’ll eat your meat.
Goth – Who Cares If the Limb-Lopping Murderer Gets Away? We’re Too Busy Worrying About Inane Sub-Plots!
Repulsion: No One Under 13 Admitted Without a Jacuzzi, Half a Quaalude and Parental Consent.
Nut! Wow……!
A Serbian Film: You just can’t unsee this.
UNDERWORLD: Just keep repeating- Kate Beckinsale in leather, Kate Beckinsale in leather…
SAW 3D: NAIL FINALLY MEETS COFFIN.
SINT: Bashing THIS bishop might save your life.
Without a doubt Meli’s HOUSE OF THE DEVIL: “Zzzzzzzzzz…” made me laff the hardest.
Ashley O’s “Insidious – Inshitious” has to be the most unorignal as i and many others have used that term too often.
I also see you have more then a few disturbed listeners Feedback.
EDEN LAKE: I FUCKING HATE PIKEY’S!
“Ashley O’s “Insidious – Inshitious” has to be the most unorignal as i and many others have used that term too often.”
That’s ok. It still works as an alternate tagline…
But listen, Mr. Critic – where’s your entries?
PIPEBOMB – I ran your Serbian thing through a translator and it spat out the following….
“It’s like Russian nesting dolls, each one in turn until one is broken open to fuck my horse siphilitic”
“Without a doubt Meli’s HOUSE OF THE DEVIL: “Zzzzzzzzzz…” made me laff the hardest.”
YES (*^_^*)/ I’m glad someone got a laugh out of it!
Just hope one of those turds was enough to win me a shirt. Some really strong competition out there.
“The Official Film Of Joe Paterno And The Penn State Nittany Lions” Salo 120 Days Of Sodom
Ashley O’s “Insidious – Inshitious” has to be the most unorignal as i and many others have used that term too often.
I agree… In order to feel better about myself, I’m going to go get drunk at a punk rock show and hurl Serbian insults at people.
“I agree… In order to feel better about myself, I’m going to go get drunk at a punk rock show and hurl Serbian insults at people.”
2nd time I’ve said (typed) this now – I love you! <3
Oldboy: Dad, I said stay out of my womb!
(Yeah, I could have said “don’t come in my womb”, but I’ve got more class than that.)
Yes, that’s been abundantly revealed on here….
Anyway, the next post is Number 200! If somebody uses the occasion to post a decent TAGLINE, we’ll throw in a bonus bit for them!
Ginger Snaps: Follow the bleeder
(Period joke? No? I tried.)
Dark Night of the Scarecrow:
Vengeance… Retard Strong
I’ll just shoot for English:
A Serbian Film – “It’s like Russian nesting dolls, except each one is opened, in turn, by my syphilitic horse fucking them in half.”
2nd time I’ve said (typed) this now – I love you! <3
Hmm.. I've never been with a Hooker before. Just sayin'…
I’ll just shoot for English:
A Serbian Film – “It’s like Russian nesting dolls, except each one is opened, in turn, by my syphilitic horse fucking them in half.”
I kind of like the Serbian translation better!
Nick English snags the 200th post on here! Alright -he’s getting a bonus bit – to be announced on the RESULTS show.
Figured I could still throw out a few more. Even though everyone is kicking ass with these, I want The Fog t-shirt (in adult L) bad.
The Incredible Shrinking Man:
Nukes make you sparkle.
Dark Night of the Scarecrow:
So Good It’s Retarded.
Madman:
Lost in the plot, with the Madman and the staaaars.
Killer Klowns From Outer Space:
Don’t Box A Clown.
Jason Takes Manhattan:
Don’t Box Jason.
Jack Frost:
He nips your nose, he nips your toes, and he rapes you with a carrot.
Leprechaun 5:
He. Fucking. Raps.
Event Horizon:
Lose Your Shit On The Trippy Ship
Event Horizon:
Thanks for fucking up the Latin translation.
It:
Robbing children of the desire to sail paper boats since 1990.
“Cat People” – If Nastassja Kinski was your sister you’d want to fuck her too.
“Black Death” – Someone’s gonna kill that fake necromancer bitch!
Saw: The Final Chapter – Do I Look Retarded To You? See You Next Halloween.
Ginger Snaps:
The estroGenesis of Fear,
They Live:
Making people wonder what cheese dip her face fell in since 1988.
This is fun. T-Shirt Joe from FAST CUSTOM SHIRTS has fired up a new line of shirts called TEXAS EVIL, a mash up of two of his obsessions – horror and Texas.
Here’s the first two concoctions….
http://www.fastcustomshirts.com/servlet/Categories?category=TEXAS+EVIL
Hostel – No pun intended… Oh, wait. It’s totally intended, dude!
I prefer my They Call Her One Eye entry, but I just thought the Hostel title was more juvenile than clever.
Contest closes at noon tomorrow – so for any stragglers or for anyone with a few last minute entries…you better get a move on.
I know it’s abvious but I’ll just put it down to abait myself.
“You are what they eat” Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Hellraiser – It’s more fun than a Rubik’s cube.
Deadgirl – Can’t find a milf? Try a zilf.
Alright – so with DARK MARK’S latest bit of perversion….
THE CONTEST IS NOW CLOSED!!!!!!
Thank you to everyone for making this our most mental contest to date.
Stay tuned to an upcoming RUE MORGUE PODCAST episode for the results!
Ok. Lance and I met under cover of darkness to select the winners. It was tough – harder than either of us expected…but we adjudicated as wisely as a couple of wiseguys are capable of doing so.
Come back soon for the RESULTS show!
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I won! I placed #7!!! I feel like one of those mom’s on Tiaras and Toddlers! J/K. This was a great podcast you guys. I had a good laugh and I needed it. Atrocity Exhibition is a book from British writer J. G. Ballard. It’s also a song from Joy Division. I subscribed to your youtube page Lance and your Cinephobia youtube page Feedback, If that was actually yours. Feel free to look me up. AtrocityExhibition12
Dawn of the Dead T-Shirt
Black
Medium
Thanks again guys for a really cool fucking contest. Your podcast makes my work day.
I know the contest is over but if an alturnative winner can’t be chosen. How about this very late entry to the top ten list.
Human Centipede 2 – No babies were harmed in the making of this film. But wait until you see the next sequence! Human Baby Centipede!!! Babies are easier to teach.
I really want a large Halloween III t-shirt…..
Can’t hurt to try right.
Sorry, Indigestibles…
Contest is over – winners have been selected.
BUT- if you want that T-SHIRT, you could always just order one from the site!
Congratulations to the winners! I am definitely still getting that shirt.
Is Fast Custom Shirts website down temporarily? I’m having trouble accessing it, but I’ll keep trying.
It’s definitely back up now…
http://www.fastcustomshirts.com/servlet/Categories?category=Movie+Shirts%3AHorror